Many women who responded to our Retirement Voices questionnaire last year talked about how decluttering and downsizing their homes was part of their retirement transition. No longer working, they finally had time to purge—clearing out closets, attics and basements and getting rid of outdated and unused “stuff” that had accumulated over the years.
That said, however, there’s often more to it than simply divesting ourselves of possessions and moving to a smaller home when we retire. Instead, there’s a psychological or spiritual shift that frequently needs to take place when it comes to letting stuff go.
It’s what author and fellow blogger Kathy Gottberg (pictured above) calls rightsizing. And she sees it as the perfect path to a happy retirement.
“Rightsizing is the ultimate journey to find what matters to each of us,” she says. “It’s about discovering what gives your life meaning, makes you smile, and allows you to sleep well at night.
“Society is constantly trying to convince us what to do and believe, telling us what stuff we’re ‘supposed’ to have,” she continues. “Happiness is just one purchase away—a bigger house, a more prestigious job, a nicer car.”
But ridding ourselves of the desire to acquire can be truly liberating, particularly when it comes to retirement.
“A lot of people feel trapped in unfulfilling jobs because they have to pay the mortgage on their big house, make payments on that fancy car, and they can’t afford to retire,” she says. “But by rightsizing, maybe they can afford to pursue work they love that pays less. Or they can work less or step away altogether—retire—when they choose to instead of being chained to the hamster wheel.”
Walking the walk
Kathy and her husband Thom walk the walk in this regard.
“Like many people, we got caught up in the more-is-better mindset, then the recession hit in 2008, when we were in our fifties,” she relates. “Thom worked in real estate, so we really needed to pare down. We took a hard look at our expenses and were shocked at how much it cost to live in our 2,400-square-foot house with a three-car garage and pool. The pool alone was costing us $350 a month!
“We decided to sell even though we’d get less than we paid,” she continues. “But we figured we’d lose less than if we hung on. Then we looked at homes we could buy outright that had no association dues, no pool, good walkability. We found a 1,375-square-foot house that fit our needs.
“We had no mortgage, slashed our monthly expenses, got rid of our three cars and a motorcycle, put in desert landscaping and did our own gardening,” she says. “We were able to start socking away money without sacrificing. And Thom, who’s the breadwinner, was able to work part time. That was real freedom.
“It was a progression for us, but we learned to be more self-aware by focusing on where we wanted to be in the future,” Kathy says. “We don’t live lavishly, but we love to travel. We’re careful about prioritizing what’s important to us. We have no interest in trying to impress others.
“There are other metrics for how ‘wealthy’ we are, like our health and well-being—something the COVID-19 pandemic has brought into even sharper focus,” she adds.
What prevents others from taking the rightsizing route with their possessions?
Barriers to rightsizing
“I’ve seen people retire and admit they should downsize but fear that if they don’t keep the big house, their kids won’t visit,” Kathy says. “Or they simply can’t imagine letting go of all the stuff they’ve accumulated that fills that big house. Or being surrounded by all their stuff gives them a sense of control.
“Sadly, some people define themselves by their possessions,” she notes. “Or they feel that by giving up things they’ll lose the memories associated with those things.
“But we don’t need physical possessions to hold onto memories,” she stresses. “Sentimentality can be a trap, like keeping your mother’s china that you never use. If you don’t use it, why keep it?
“I’m not saying get rid of what you love,” Kathy adds, “and everyone’s different. But we can be conscious and mindful about it, and ask ourselves, ‘Really, how important is this to me?’”
She also points out that many parents convince themselves that they can’t get rid of anything because their children will want their stuff after they’re gone.
“I’ve never seen an estate settlement that didn’t require a dumpster,” she says. “At the very least, ask your kids if there’s anything they want. If so, give it to them. If not, donate, consign or sell it.”
Learning to say no
A variation on the rightsizing theme in retirement relates to the activities and people we choose to fill our lives with. For example, women often struggle with saying no to requests to volunteer or babysit their grandchildren. How do you set boundaries and decline without guilt or defensiveness?
“I still grapple with this,” Kathy says, admitting that the old tape about “good girls should” can start to play. “Rightsizing reminds me to be aware of how I’m feeling and the consequences of my choices. If I’m mindful that I’ll resent saying yes, then I’m not doing anyone—including myself—any good. You need to stay aware of your priorities.”
Similarly, we should be able to freely choose to surround ourselves with people who enrich our life rather than the so-called emotional vampires who deplete it.
“By the time we reach retirement age, we’re entitled to hang around with the people who support us, respect our choices, and share our values,” Kathy says. “I believe friendships are contagious—and I want to catch ideas, joyfulness and positive attitudes from mine.”
So what’s her advice for how to let go of things (or people) that are simply taking up space in our homes or our lives?
How to let go
“Rightsizing asks us to really evaluate what matters,” Kathy says. “Does a possession or a person bring you purpose, satisfaction and happiness? What’s it doing for you, really and truly? And what’s behind why you can’t let go?
“It requires serious self-reflection and you have to be honest with yourself,” she continues. “And you have to be open to changing. The more comfortable we can get inside our own skin, the more we can rely on ourselves—not our stuff—for a sense of safety and well-being.
“When I talk to people who’ve actually taken the steps to rightsize, I never hear any regrets,” she adds. “They always feel better than they thought they would.”
What do you think? How do you feel about the concept of rightsizing when it comes to your possessions and the people in your life? How difficult is it for you to let go of stuff—or relationships—that no longer enrich your life? Please share!
Read more about Kathy and how rightsizing can help you before and after retirement on her SMARTLiving365 website.
PHOTO CAPTION: Kathy Gottberg on a trip to Vietnam. She and husband Thom consider travel their “splurge.”
Hi Roxanne and Leslie! It was so much fun talking to you about Rightsizing and sharing what I believe are so many of the benefits. I tell people repeatedly that to me the word “downsizing” sounds like a sacrifice and a focus on what a person has to give up—while rightsizing is a choice to move toward something that is both beneficial and rewarding for your future. It was one of the very BEST decisions we ever made and I highly recommend it! Thanks again for letting me share that passion with your readers!
We enjoyed talking with you too! Your rightsizing approach just makes so much sense, especially when applied to retirement–whether you’re approaching this stage of life or already there. Decluttering and keeping only those possessions that “spark joy” is one thing, but rightsizing speaks to the bigger picture of what gives our lives meaning and value. Thank YOU for sharing your passion about this with our readers!
I rightsized in 2012, after 25 years in real estate in the Northwest. I am so happy we let it go and used the proceeds to buy a house outright. We were able to deal with my husband’s health issues which followed the sale of our too-big-to-handle house with the view and land. He is alive due to the extra time and energy we had to spend on our selves vs the house. That house was sucking our lives away…at 4000 square feet for two people, it was ridiculous. Our new abode was a super deal and has more than doubled in value. My husband is doing well and we connected with family we never knew about on Ancestry. Now we have time to visit them and do things which are experiential vs material acquisition and maintenance activities. It’s great! I have continued to clean out my life and possessions over the past 8 years. Things feel less cluttered on so many levels. Thanks for this great article! I always love your ideas, Kathy, and agree with downsizing and cleaning out things and people, especially in this stage of our lives. Be safe and wear a mask! Staying alive in the NW…
Thanks for sharing your experience, Maureen. Your story is a great testament to the “rightness” of rightsizing. And it’s good to know your husband is doing well. I love your line about how things feel less cluttered on so many levels. Amen to that!
Hi Maureen! Nice to see you here on Retirement Voice AND your experience with Rightsizing. What a GREAT example of how it can work in a person’s life. So glad you continue to stay “rightsized,” healthy and happy. Let’s keep it up, huh?
Being at home retired or not during the pandemic, many of my friends are sorting, sifting, tossing and donating (or will as soon as the donation centers open). Three friends have updated their wills and properties/belongings and have designated to whom it will go. One friend actually put a tag with one of her children’s initials on things as well. Talking with them as I recover from health issues and cannot get into this activity yet, they are finding it freeing and satisfying. As my one friend says, her children may have children, may marry, divorce, but she still wants certain family heirlooms divided up or together all tied up for her well being! Phone calls if anyone shows no interest in something, it goes to donations! I think Kathy would be proud. I struggle with photo albums. All those pictures from 1973 to 2010. I can take a sampling of each year?
Sounds like your friend is on a mission, Haralee! Good for her. Photo albums are a challenge–maybe consider transferring them to a digital format? They’ll take up a whole lot less room so you can keep as many as you’d like. It also makes it easier to share them with anyone else who’s interested. And it’s a good project for when we’re stuck at home! Thank you for taking the time to comment. Be well.
Hi Haralee! I AM proud of you for sharing what you know…and thanks again for the guest post you did on SMART Living 365 where you talked about “rightsizing clothing.” As you mention here (and there), we can rightsize in every area of our life. And thanks for the reminder to start going through ALL my old photo albums!!!
Very sensible. And Marie Condo never even mentioned! Good work.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Laurie, and your positive words. They “spark joy!” 🙂
Hi Laurie! I must confess that I never once read Marie’s book. It came out quite a bit after we started our journey and I saw it as a more simplified technique to declutter than what was really helping my husband and myself on our path. While I think it can be a great place to start for some people, it wasn’t an answer for me.
Even in a modest condo, it’s still easy to fill the space you have. Some items represented dreams, such as backpacking gear, which I’d only used once. Now the gear has been donated to the Appalachian Mountain Club to lend to hikers who can’t afford to buy the equipment. My kayak will be the next to go, as well as my ice skates. I did buy a new bike, though.
My idea that I might start sewing during my retirement struck me one day as being foolish, since I only like the idea of sewing, but not doing it. So I gave away all my fabric, and now I’m thinking it would have been great for making masks for COVID-19. But other people are making masks, so it doesn’t have to be me. So my progress, slow as it is, in decluttering will not be derailed.
You’ve made some thoughtful decisions about handing off certain possessions in meaningful ways–good for you! I also appreciate your comment about how some items represented dreams–that’s sometimes what makes it so hard to let go. But you sound like a practical and realistic person who understands what matters–which is the essence of rightsizing, according to Kathy. Thank you so much, Jean, for joining the conversation here!
Hi Jean! You are so correct that even in a small space you have to keep bringing yourself back and staying true to the idea of rightsizing. And thanks for pointing out what I didn’t say in the interview–that is that rightsizing is a journey, never a destination. You don’t just automatically become a rightsizer, you have to keep choosing again and then again those things that matter to you. My husband and I revisit the idea on a regular basis; it helps me a lot to continue to write ideas about it on my blog and every time I ask myself, what am I allowing in my life that either fits or doesn’t with my idea version of rightsizing. Good for you for being true to yourself about sewing!!! I feel exactly the same way.
I salute you for your efforts to understand this issue. I am a woman – former professional – who has no husband or children and will never be asked to babysit. I wonder if you are including my kind in your blog. While I have a Ph.D, I like to think of myself as a bit of a bohemian who, after ridding myself of all my possessions and professions, am seeking to redefine myself. I am living now in another country where no one asks or cares about what degrees I have and what I did for a living. I feel similarly about them.
You are most definitely included in the audience we aim to reach with our blog, Helaine! “Solo-agers” have their own set of issues in retirement; divesting themselves of possessions when there are no children to give or leave them to is just one such issue. Sounds like you’re pretty far along in your rightsizing journey, walking the walk when it comes to living in a way that’s authentic and unpretentious. Thank you for taking the time to comment here. I wish you well as you continue on your path!
Hi Helaine! I wasn’t sure if you were asking your question to Retirement Voices so I’ll pop in here with my answer. And I say, “Good for you for finding and living your own rightsized kind of life.” One of the things I LOVE about rightsizing is that it helps keep me focused on the fact that it isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” approach. It is taking the time to discover what we need and want and then following through with that. What is rightsized for me may share similarities, or maybe not. What it does primarily is connect us to that deep sense of what is uniquely important to us. And yeah, it has little to do with what is on the “outside” of us (like degrees or past occupations) and everything to do with who we really are inside.
Thanks for highlighting Kathy! I’ve been following her for a few years and she often provokes my thinking. My personal challenge in this space is I married a borderline hoarder. Even having to deal with his mother’s estate (a 6-bedroom house that was full to the brim in every room – he comes by the hoarding “genetically”… or by nurture at least) did not dissuade him. I can only right-size my half of things and encourage (he calls it nagging) his half. I’ll be curious if in one of your blog posts/the book you share insights on “when the two are not aligned – retirement partners”!
Thanks so much for your candor, Pat. Yep, it is indeed challenging when your partner isn’t inclined to let go of “stuff.” My husband and I moved across country twice, so that aided greatly in the purging process since we were paying by the pound to transport our possessions! Leslie and I do plan to address the topic of when partners aren’t aligned in retirement (both in the book and future blog posts). Stay tuned!
Hi Pat! Great question about dealing with a partner who is not on board with the change. I don’t specifically deal with that topic but maybe I should in future blog posts. I do see it as a fundamental value that is very likely difficult to insist on if the other person is adamant about their desire to hold on to things. But as in any good relationship, compromise is always a good thing. Thom and I have been married nearly 44 years and we have sort of “morphed” together (hahaha), but when we do disagree we usually have to go to the core of the belief behind it. Why do we need to hang onto something? Why can’t we let it go? Why is it super important to hang on to? Is there a way we can both get our needs met and stay okay? Asking those questions as honestly as possible is a good place to start. And who knows? Sometimes the need to hoard is something deeply rooted that needs counseling? I can’t say but I do wish you luck.
Great points! I found that while “rightsizing” my home I was able to purge many things that I no longer needed and things that had lost their significance. I also created a bit more space for activities I wanted to spend more time on, such as photography and hiking.
I found that while I did let go of those relationships that did not feel genuine, at the same time I was able to create new relationships by re-connecting with some colleagues under new circumstances (many of them had also left the company and moved on to new things).
Nice to “see” you here again, Kathy! Sounds like you’ve had a productive and rewarding rightsizing process, one that’s opened your life up to what matters most to you. Yay, you…enjoy the fruits of your labors!
Hi Kathy! Great name (hahahaha!). And good for you for rightsizing! And yes to the fact that usually when we let go of things we’ve outgrown, including old friendships, we find something even better to replace them–it sounds like that was exactly your experience. But either way, being true to our new lifestyle is reward enough by being “true” to ourselves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.