“Once you’ve been retired a couple of years, you realize you’ve lost your ‘work family,’” says a retired buyer for a large medical institution in Rochester, Minnesota. “I think we all intend to keep in touch after retirement, but truth be told, most don’t. Life changes.”
She is one of many respondents to our retirement questionnaire who lamented the loss of their work friendships. And what caught Roxanne’s and my attention is that nearly all these women were surprised that this happened.
What is this all about?
The need for social connection is something basic we all share. According to research scientist and author Emma Seppälä PhD, “…belonging is a fundamental human need. Given that we spend between 8 and 9 hours of our day at work, we have significantly less time to fulfill our social needs outside of work…The workplace, where we spend such a large portion of our time, is an ideal place to foster the positive connections we all need—not just for our well-being but also for our productivity and health.” (Psychology Today online article, 10/10/17)
Are workmates really friends?
It’s natural to think of our workmates as friends. It’s a unique bond—we see each other almost every day, we strive together to achieve common goals, we celebrate joint triumphs and commiserate about the micro-managing boss, we chat about our weekends and our favorite sports teams, we share how we’re feeling and disclose personal information.
But we may be misinterpreting the long-term significance or staying power of these relationships. Just because we share a workspace and some personal revelations doesn’t necessarily make them our friends. If our only common denominator is work, then this may be more of a temporary arrangement than a permanent alignment.
And this seems to play out for many of us when we retire. We instantly lose the social network of our co-workers. We go from seeing them daily—either in person or virtually, if we work remotely—to not at all. Our primary common ground—the work we shared—is gone. And many of us simply don’t think about the fact that we might lose these friendships when we retire. One of our respondents from Chesapeake, Virginia, who worked 33 years in the juvenile court system, shares her experience:
“I had expected to be immediately, deliriously happy about no longer working. But what I found initially was that I was ‘lost’ and feeling isolated. I had had a job that centered on constant interaction with co-workers and clients. Retired, I no longer had those daily interactions. In my naivete prior to retiring, I had envisioned getting together with former co-workers but found that their lives continued on as usual and it was only mine that had changed. I actually wondered if some of my work friends really didn’t like me after all, as they never seemed to have time to get together.”
The loss of work friends comes as a surprise
As this respondent articulates, the loss of work friends in retirement can come as a surprise—and it can cause hurt and disappointment. It’s hard not to take it personally and to realize that some friendships may not last.
I’m not saying that we can’t build genuine, long-lasting friendships at work. Just that if we do, it is a rarity—based on what we heard from the nearly 300 women who answered our questionnaire. They told us that if they do maintain friendships with prior workmates, it’s usually because they (the retirees) are the initiators of lunches and other get-togethers. They typically are the ones who email, text and call. So if you are willing to make the effort to nurture your relationships, you might be successful at keeping your work friends in your social circle.
So how do we prepare for changes in relationships with our co-workers when we’re thinking about retirement? First, we need to have realistic expectations so that we don’t set ourselves up for disappointment. Don’t expect all your work friends to keep in touch. Perhaps, before you leave, have a conversation with your closest workmates about their future availability and what each of you hopes will happen. And don’t forget, there is a silver lining—there are likely some co-workers you’ll be happy to leave behind!
The upside: Making new friends, deepening relationships in retirement
As you think about your post-work life, know that there are many opportunities to forge new relationships in retirement. You now have the chance to reconnect with longtime friends for whom you simply didn’t have time when you worked full time. You can widen your social circle and make new friends by joining clubs, groups or meetups, (re)starting a hobby, taking classes (exercise or learning), volunteering, meeting neighbors, attending local social events, getting a part-time job, becoming more active in your church/faith organization, or mentoring a younger person. Focus on expanding your social network to include people with whom you now have things in common.
There’s another upside: Most of our respondents say that the quality of their relationships is better in retirement. They have more time to devote to the people they care about. They’re more relaxed (i.e., less stressed) and present, so friendships are stronger and more meaningful. Relationships with spouses/partners, kids and grandkids get more attention. With more availability to socialize, they are meeting and making new friends through new activities. (Keep in mind that these responses were made pre-COVID—but we’re confident that we’ll all be able to socialize more freely someday soon!).
One of our respondents, a former ordained clergy woman from Nashville, Tennessee, describes it this way, “I think my relationships have deepened in a subtle way, because I am no longer in a hurry, being pushed and pulled by work responsibilities.”
A retired licensed clinical social worker from Harpswell, Maine, says, “I have more time to cultivate relationships that are important to me.”
It all reminds me of the saying, “People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” And a heads-up: work friends tend to be “seasonal.”
What do you think? If you’re retired, how did your work friendships evolve? If you’re not yet retired, what do you expect will happen to your work friendships? Please share!
It is not just women who find this! I did a session of alumni from corporates – men and women – and they all admitted this was a shock. You can see the full story in this blog https://www.next-up.com/blog/-the-reality-check-of-retirement-a-must-read-for-anyone-50-thinking-about-retirement
Yes, this affects both women and men, we agree. But since Retirement Voices is focused on women (as was our questionnaire), we are sharing women’s experiences. Thanks for commenting, Victoria.
It’s good to read that the loss of workplace friendships is a common phenomenon; I thought it was me. I transferred to another work site 12 years prior to my retirement and noticed the disconnect from coworkers of 22 yrs. As was mentioned in the blog, any contact occurred with my initiation and I became disenchanted with the unreciprocated relationships. There’s so much disingenuous communication, i.e., Let’s get together sometime. (Let’s pick a date.) How are you? (Good enough.) What’s new? (The Christmas cactus is blooming.) It’s more about social niceties than meaningful invitations or concern. I’ve committed to leading a purposeful life and that includes reciprocal relationships.
Yes, it’s unfortunately quite common to find yourself disconnected from prior work buddies once you retire. Love your comment, Mona, that you’re committed to leading a life that “includes reciprocal relationships.” For me too, that is what true friendship is about. Thanks for being here with us.
Hi Leslie! I think it is a matter of expectations. I love my co-workers and consider all of them “friends.” However, as a teacher, I have worked in several schools and felt the same about all the teachers I have worked with. I have learned that once you are no longer working together, some level of connection is lost…but you will always have the memories. One of my favorite things I have read is people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. To me, that puts it all into perspective.
And hi to you, Barbara! Agreed that it is a matter of expectations. And about clearly evaluating ahead of retirement the true depth (or not) of the work friendships. Some may continue, many won’t. Thanks for pointing out that even if the work friendships don’t survive, there are memories and shared experiences that were/are important. Nice to see you here!
Many years ago, I read “when you divorce, you don’t choose your friends, they choose you”. I retired, by choice, at 58 years young last year. I was not surprised at those I’ve not heard from or who’ve not responded to my attempts. Again, you don’t choose your friends, they choose you. Only 2.
I liken it also to choosing to marry and be without children. When friends had children, they vanished.
And so it goes………..
You share an interesting perspective, Elle. And it sounds like it served you well and prepared you so that the loss of some of the relationships wasn’t a surprise. Thanks for joining us here.
When a few coworkers retired I was surprised they considered me their friend. I was just being friendly to get along at work. I never went out with them, chatted just to chat or tried building a friendship so it was surprising to me to be called when we parted the work force common area to have a coffee or a lunch.
That’s interesting, Haralee. Your experience demonstrates how we all need social connection and that we may define “friendship” differently. Appreciate you sharing this with us.
Hi, great topic. Thanks for raising awareness about what seems to be the inevitable drift in most co-worker friendships. It highlights, even more, the need to expand your friendship network when you retire. Missing those connections can be especially difficult during the initial transition time into retired life, so having some understanding and a plan is very helpful to avoid emotional pitfalls. I’ve had the same experience and, in fact, was even more of the “culprit” here to allow the drift, especially when I found that our mutual connection was only based on past working experience. Some friendships last, but some are temporary and based on a mutual experience.
Thanks so much, Judi. As you mentioned, the “drift” does seem to be inevitable. We’re hoping that sharing our respondents’ stories will help. And that people preparing to retire might give some thought to strengthening their outside-of-work relationships before they retire and experience the loss of their work buddies. Thanks for being part of our community.
Thank you very much for raising awareness of all these important retirement lifestyle topics!
I certainly understand this as I have seen it happen to my friends. But, I have only worked for myself, by myself for the past few decades and I still stay in contact! 🙂
Funny! Guess that’s one of the benefits of working for yourself! Thanks for making us smile, Carol.
The only reason why this didn’t come as a shock to me: my friends tend to be older than me, and I saw it happen to them. I retired when I was 67 (although I went right back to work due to the pandemic) so I saw it with my peers who retired at the traditional age, or even sooner. Of course, since I am working part time, the full impact of retirement hasn’t hit me yet. There is one work friend who retired a year before I did, and we are both trying to make the effort to keep it going. We had discussed it already before she retired. On the other hand – I didn’t have true outside of work friendships by the time I retired – a big mistake, given how senior centers are all closed down where I live through at least the end of the year, and various volunteer activities or college classes have evaporated or have more risks than I care to take.
How great that you had a retired friend who is making an effort along with you. You make such an important point, Alana, that we should think about who our friends are going to be in our post-work life – and maybe reconnect before retirement with old friends we haven’t had time for. The pandemic adds another challenge but also offers us a chance to be more creative in how we nurture our friendships. Thanks for commenting.
I found this when Husby retired. At his retirement ‘party’ several people cried and told him how much they were going to miss him and please…PLEASE… could they continue to get together.
They did once. But every invitation since has been met with ‘Oh darn! I’m busy that day!’
He has taken it personally.
Thank you for this article. I’m going to give it to him. I think it will help!
I hope your husband is finding ways to make new friends or re-connect with some old, Diane. Thanks for giving us an example that this is a universal challenge, not just one we women face.
I don’t think it’s been mentioned, but even though finding friends was easy enough, I no longer have friends across the age span. I do miss seeing younger people and the energy they bring to issues!
I e found, however, an interesting group of women at water aerobics. They are well educated, multinational, from many countries and regions. Still good to mix it up.
Good point, Shari. Many of us find we don’t have a lot of connection with younger folks once we retire. If there aren’t kids or grandkids, this can be especially challenging. But there are ways – mentoring and volunteering are two good examples – that can connect us across generations. Sounds like you are finding your tribe, though. Thanks for sharing!
Although I don’t still get together with a lot of work friends, I’m Facebook friends with some so we keep in touch that way. Over my work life, I have acquired many dear friends (not just “Facebook friends”) that I’ve met along the way. They started out as work friends, but now I consider them just as close as the ones I have from childhood. Some are retired now too, some are not. I do find that I often have to initiate lunch dates (pre-Covid, of course) with friends who aren’t retired since they are less flexible with their time.
Here’s an interesting addition: I have met (virtually and in real life) friends through the blog that I started just before I retired. As we get older, I think it can be harder to meet friends. Blogging has been a bridge to friendships that I didn’t expect.
Thanks for mentioning, Janis, that social media can be a wonderful bridge to keep people connected. Especially in these pandemic days. Sound like you’ve managed to keep old friends, and it’s interesting that blogging has been a source of new friendships for you. Thanks for joining us here.
After I left the company where I had worked for 20+ years I was surprised that the colleagues I had “grown up” with lost touch quickly. On the positive side, I found some surprising new friendships with other colleagues who I honestly had not thought of as friends at work. I’m happy to have these new relationships and to have found common interests outside of our former company.
So, you found the silver lining, Kathy. Nice to hear that you have new friendships with former colleagues. Thanks for commenting!
I think, perhaps, it depends on what else you had in common besides work. Once we retire, our focus changes so it’s natural that we will look elsewhere for friendship and that work colleagues will carry on happily without us. Here in the UK we have the U3A (University of the Third Age) which is a really vibrant community of life-long leaners, all retired, who also socialise together. In the wake of Covid, I think there will be more volunteering opportunities than ever before and making new friends by re(starting) new hobbies, as you say, is a wonderful way to meet people. Different life stages tend to mean different friends and we just have to try not to take it as a personal rejection.
Great points, Sue-Anne. You’re assessment is helpful – losing work friends is usually not a personal rejection, just a reflection of a different life stage and different people we connect with (or disconnect from.) Thanks for your joining us here!