You know the type—the “expert” who feels compelled to pass judgment on the choices other people make, whether it’s what they wear, what they eat, or what car they buy.
Well, if you’re contemplating retirement or have already made the transition, gird your loins: there are self-anointed authorities lying in wait to expound on how you’re not doing this life transition “right” according to their rules.
We call them the retirement police.
Just as some folks cling to the passé admonishment against wearing white after Labor Day, the retirement police have an outdated notion of what retirement is or isn’t—and don’t hesitate to impose their rigid beliefs on you. Here are some recent run-ins with the so-called law that women we know have had:
“So, you’re not really retired”
D. retired at age 50 after a nomadic career with the U.S. diplomatic corps. She retired as soon as she was eligible based on age and years of service. She decided to settle in Portland, Maine, a city she fell in love with after one visit—without knowing anyone there.
In order to meet new friends and create a community for herself, D. threw herself into a whirlwind of activities based on her interests. She joined an outdoor adventures club and the board of trustees of a local theater group. She got involved with the Maine chapter of the American Heart Association (D. is a heart disease survivor). She even began teaching a how-to-retire course through Portland’s adult education organization, and writing bar (as in cocktails) reviews for the local newspaper online.
Her first encounter with the retirement police occurred at a social event when she was asked the inevitable, “What do you do?” She led with the fact that she was retired, then began recounting the activities keeping her busy. Her questioner’s response? A dismissive, “Oh, so you’re not really retired.”
Says who???
“You don’t want to use that word”
B. capped a successful career in banking and financial services with a multi-year stint as executive director of a global organization focused on making capital more available to women-owned businesses. When her husband set a retirement date, B. decided to follow suit so they could pursue their passion for travel. In her mid-sixties, she felt excited about her next chapter.
As she began sharing her retirement plans with female friends and colleagues, however, she was taken aback by their reactions.
“I was surprised by the push-back I received from still-working women when I told them I was retiring,” she relates. “They urged me not to use that word, suggesting that instead I say I was consulting, or reinventing, or on pause while I figured out what I’d do next. But the fact was, I was done working and I was perfectly comfortable calling myself ‘retired.’
“They were having a harder time with it than I was!” she adds. And she continues to proudly refer to herself as retired.
“You can’t be retired if you work part time”
Leslie was at a cookout this past summer and described our book project to a new acquaintance. The woman (let’s call her V.) confided that she was having a real problem with how to describe her “status” since she’d recently retired from a decades-long teaching career.
“I thought I was retired, but I started working about 12 hours a week at a local gift shop, just for fun, and people tell me I can’t be retired if I work part time,” V. related. “So what do I call myself?”
Leslie went on to share our belief—and the underlying theme of our upcoming book—that retirement is a personal journey that each of us defines for ourselves. Sure, once upon a time, retirement was pretty narrowly defined as stepping away from work into a life of full-time leisure. But today, there are as many ways to be retired as there are retired women. And you can spend your time in this stage of life any way you choose—including working at a part-time job.
V. felt relieved—and validated. And ready to stand up to the next person who challenged her retiree status.
If you’ve been accosted by the retirement police, we hope this post helps you know you’re not alone. That you’re perfectly justified in calling yourself retired if that’s what you consider yourself to be. And you don’t have to feel defensive about how you spend your time in this chapter of your life.
Equally important, it’s time for the judgy retirement police to stand down and stop handing out unwarranted criticism about women’s choices. We get to make our own rules about how to get to and through this transition—and protect and serve our own interests.
Ten-four.
Have you had an encounter with the retirement police? How’d you handle it? And how did it make you feel? Please share in the comments below!
Love this subject! It’s hard enough to work at a happy retirement life, especially when getting started, and dealing with the “police” just makes it harder! For me, I was struggling a bit after my retirement decision with finding a replacement for work and purpose, i.e., the things I thought would work weren’t. My retirement police were telling me “I just wasn’t ready.” Who says? I was ready, just unprepared. And working at it!
Thanks for your response, Judith! My hunch is that there are a lot of other women who’ve had experiences similar to yours. And you make a very good point that there’s a big difference between not being “ready” to leave the workplace and simply being unprepared for all that this transition involves.
I retired 10 years ago after a 33-year career with a government agency. Now I am busier than ever with a part-time job, volunteer work, and my hobbies of gardening, pickleball, and raising butterflies (some now on hold due to COVID19). And yes, the retirement police often let me know that I am not really retired or that I am not doing retirement the right way!! For those “police” who are also retired, I let them know this is working for me and I would not be happy just sitting around. For women who have not yet retired, I share with them that this phase of life is a wonderful opportunity to learn new things and explore new passions. I encourage them to think about what new avenues will be open to them in retirement and to enjoy the freedom they will have to pursue those avenues…….whatever that might be for them!
Susan, thank you so much for joining this conversation. You nailed it with your last sentence–the freedom to choose how we spend our time really is what this stage of life is all about. No more “shoulds!”
Before I retired, I was talking to a coworker about my plans. He said that, while he could retire financially, he enjoyed his work and the social network so he had decided to keep working. My response to him was “you already are retired because working is a choice for you.” Every day he got to decide what he wanted to do and–so far anyway–he chose to come to the office.
What a great story to illustrate the point that retirement can be whatever YOU choose it to be! Thanks so much for sharing this, Janis.
This falls into a category I call “Just wait til.” As in “just wait til you graduate”…”just wait til you marry”…just wait til you get a promotion”….just wait til you have children!” Someone all my life seemed to have the upper hand advising me what would come next! And now the same police are dictating retirement. I guess next will be “just wait til you’re dead!”
Well, the retirement police may have their opinions about what awaits us, but WE get to decide how it plays out for ourselves! If the implication is that we won’t really “get it” until we’re actually there (retired, married, with children, whatever), we’re hoping that this blog and community of women can help other women understand what to expect. There may still be surprises, but (shared) information is power! Thanks for commenting, Shari!
Retirement doesn’t mean not working; it means not working at [fill in the blank] any longer. When a company “retires” a lipstick or running shoe, they don’t close down–they replace with a new lip color or shoe with better technology. As I see it, retirement moves from one direction to another with a better arsenal of information and desire!
I totally agree that retirement doesn’t mean we stop working–or living, for that matter. It just means we have an entirely new set of possibilities to choose from! And that choice is OURS. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Judi.
The retirement police are the same folks who pick at me for calling myself old. It’s a reflection of ageism, with underpinnings of (unrecognized, usually) fear of mortality. Once upon a time, I was selling books and I’d made a sign that said, “For the woman who wasn’t born yesterday.” (Thank you, Frances Lear.) I got pushback from old folks and blank stares from youngers. Life is so interesting!
It’s wonderful to “see” you here, Lynne–thanks so much for adding to the conversation! How wise of you to recognize some folks’ pushback as fear. Life is, indeed, interesting!
Great piece. Everyone’s retirement is unique. No judging.
Thank you.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Joe. We totally agree with your succinct assessment that everyone’s retirement is unique and no judging! Nice to “see” you here!
One of the comments that I received often upon retirement 7 years ago was – you’re so lucky. I had worked full time for 33 of 34 years and invested in my pension. The one year I worked part time, I was completing a post-basic degree. And throughout my working career, I helped on a mixed farm and went on to raise my son on my own. I saw my ability to retire as a lot of hard work and preparation and very little luck.
Sounds like you created a retirement that suited you, just as you did your career and parenthood. Brava! Thanks for commenting, Mona.
What a great topic! I laughed AND realized I have been a bit judgmental myself. Not with any of these stories, they all sound ideal. I judged my former colleagues who went on to consult in the same grueling industry. “So you’re not really retired, then” is exactly what I thought (and sometimes said.) Thanks for the reminder the retirement is about doing what we want, when we want, and that it should be free of “policing.”
Tracey, thank you for taking the time to comment! And for your honesty about your own reaction to others’ retirement choices. I have to admit that until I started my own downshifting, I had the same preconceptions about what retirement is or isn’t. It’s good to know we can keep on learning new things, right? 🙂
Absolutely!
Thank you for this. I’m not sure when I’ll retire. I like what I do and I like, well, a paycheck. I am aware now that maybe conversational phrases I’ve tossed off without considering how they may be received made me come off as a retirement police officer. I’ll be careful in the future to reply more supportively than trying to position my idea of retirement as the only way one retires.
Jackie, thanks so much for your comment. Creating more awareness and acceptance of the different paths we all take to (and through) retirement was my intention with this post. It’s really gratifying to hear your response!