The “shoulds” tried to get the best of me this past weekend – the ones that try to decree what I should be doing with my time now that I’m retired.
My usual fall and early-winter Sunday routine is to get the day’s newspapers, go for a walk by myself or a hike with my husband, and then settle in for an afternoon of watching football on TV and reading the papers. This has been my way of operating for decades, and it’s actually more than a routine – it’s a pleasure I build my schedule around.
When I was working, this was an easy routine to justify: a day off that I’d earned by working 40-60 hours and commuting another 10 during the previous week. Phew. I was exhausted from my job and needed a down day. No guilt over vegging out and not accomplishing anything. Just a lazy, cozy day in my sweats.
Now that I’m retired, however, sometimes the “shoulds” ambush me. There’s this wee part of me that feels I get plenty of time off now. And makes me feel guilty if I haven’t done “enough” the previous week. That’s what happened this past Sunday. I should finish cleaning the house. I should decorate for Christmas. I’m running a little behind on my Retirement Voices work and I should catch up, so I don’t let Roxanne down. I should call my sister. I should be doing something other than “just” watching football.
Even three years into my third retirement, I haven’t yet fully conquered the “shoulds.” And I’m far from alone. Many of the respondents to Roxanne’s and my retirement questionnaire said that the “shoulds” haunted them too.
Our internal “shoulds”
“My time is very unstructured, and I grapple with self-discipline – a conflict between the ‘you shoulds’ vs. ‘I don’t want to, I’m retired,’” says a former independent clinical social worker/psychotherapist, now a writer, from Homeland, California. I can relate.
Retirement offers us freedom from the grind and time commitment of a job. Time is now less structured (maybe even totally unstructured), and the choices of how we spend it may seem endless. And that can feel uncomfortable. I should be spending my time more wisely.
Time is now ours to do with what we want, when we want. For many of us who spent years giving to others – our spouse, our children, our boss and co-workers, our aging parents – having time to ourselves not only feels different, but sometimes selfish. I should be helping someone else.
In retirement, we have the time to stop and reflect. To focus on being, not just doing. To think about how we want to spend our time and with whom. We can slow down and enjoy another cup of coffee in the garden, or dive into that book we’ve been wanting to read, or have a long conversation with a friend or sister. I should be more productive.
“My time on the whole has been less structured than before. There are times when I wonder if I am spending my time wisely and whether I should be taking on more responsibilities within some of the organizations to which I belong,” says a retired trainer of adults in youth ministry from Nashville, Tennessee. I get it.
Coming to terms with the different structure to our days and settling into the unique pace and freedom of retirement – however you craft yours – is one of the major challenges and adjustments during this phase of life. And it’s one of the keys to conquering our internal “shoulds” when they arise.
Other people’s expectations and “shoulds”
You should come volunteer with me. You should spend more time with your family. You should start that business you’ve always talked about. You should downsize and reduce your expenses. You should take up your photography/writing/ quilting again.
The word “should” is loaded with expectations and implies obligation. It sounds and feels negative – we’re apparently not doing something right if someone says we should be doing something else. And some of the worst culprits imposing their “shoulds” on us are our loved ones.
Most of us will receive unsolicited advice from others about what we should be doing in retirement. Paying attention to their “shoulds” can cause confusion and guilt. What’s more, if you follow their should-ly advice, you might end up living someone else’s version of your life. You may please others by acquiescing, but what about pleasing yourself?
How to combat the “shoulds”
It takes self-awareness and practice to withstand the “shoulds.”
A retired professor from Austin, Texas, says, “My time is less structured by external forces and more governed by things I choose to do and by my intuitions aligned with my core values and priorities. I am listening more to what seems best to be doing in any given moment vs. feeling driven by the “have to’s, ought to’s and shoulds.”
She seems to be in control of her ”shoulds.”
My first step in taming the “shoulds” is to recognize them the moment they appear. Whether they come from within or from one of my well-meaning friends or family members, I’ve learned to pause before responding. In fact, I’ll often say to a “should” (quietly, to myself), “There you are. I’ve been expecting you,” as a way to be consciously aware of it and to suspend an immediate reaction.
I’ve learned to ignore many of the should-suggestions – just because someone says I should do something doesn’t mean I have to respond. And I don’t if it makes no sense for me.
I spend time identifying the things I value and enjoy, and I constantly evaluate how I want to spend my post-work years. I’ve learned to give myself permission to do what I want, regardless of what others think.
I’ve become better at saying no to the “shoulds” that pop into my head if they don’t align with my retirement dreams. And also to the “shoulds” that come from others if they persist in pushing them.
I’ll continue to battle the “shoulds” because I know they’ll continue to come up. But I’m now a firm believer that the only “should” in my life I’ll adopt is the one that says I should be creating a retirement that gives me joy and is meaningful and fulfilling to me.
Do the “shoulds” pop up in your life? How do you deal with them? Please share!
This spoke directly to me. I am periodically thinking about what I should or could be doing with all my time even 7 years into retirement. Despite finding new hobbies and passions and having so much time to enjoy them, I struggle with whether I’ve given back enough and am being too selfish with my time. I like the idea of knowing these thoughts will recur and looking at the priorities and plans I made to enjoy my retirement and feeling good about them. Since we only get one life to live, it’s important to do the things that are true to ourselves.
Thanks for your honesty about your struggle with the “shoulds”, Melinda. And yes, you can expect them to recur. But it sounds like you have a way of approaching them now that will help you enjoy your retirement. It’s gratifying to know that you found this post helpful. Thanks!
I have a little trick I use with myself about the should. I can’t say it works 100% of the time, but it pushes back the should elf on my shoulder. I designate a half day or so a week, to be my “give back day.” Which means I do my “food bank run,” my check-in to friends, thank you notes, and my Pickleball teaching… It somehow makes me less susceptible to the shoulds because I have an answer for them!
That’s a good approach, Laurie. Thanks for sharing and for commenting!
Of course I just shifted to working for myself, from home, but a lot of the same issues apply. It took me a while to get a hold of my “shoulds.” I was amazed that, after 12 years of marriage to my second husband that members of his family were still trying to give me external shoulds. Since I had already overcome the internal shoulds, I saw them for what they were. Now my husband is facing retirement, soon, and I look forward to helping him conquer his shoulds!
I’m sure your husband will benefit from what you’ve learned about the “shoulds,” Wendy. Sounds like you have a good handle on your own. Thanks for joining us here.
“Do you feel like you’re missing something or forgetting to do something? I always have this slightly unsettled feeling that there’s something I’m forgetting to do. I know it’s because I don’t have enough to do. There is plenty of time for everything that I need or want to do. It’s not a pleasant feeling always feeling anxious about missing something.”
A close friend of mine wrote this to me just this week. I immediately thought she put into words exactly how I am feeling. I SHOULD be doing something. I am not sure what that something is but it needs to be done and I am not doing it. How I deal with this is to make a lot of lists and check off the items I have completed. I admit I have become a bit obsessive during this holiday season. I also admit this feeling has gotten worse during the pandemic.
These are challenging times, Joan, and can exacerbate the “shoulds.” The holiday season creates its own set of to do’s, and the pandemic has rearranged all our lives and caused new stress. List-making is another good way of taking back control – I hope it continues to work for you. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I can so relate to this, Roxanne!
Glad you found this post that my co-founder Leslie wrote so relatable, Carol. I did, too! Especially now that I’m downshifting away from paid work and have a bit more free time on my hands, I find myself thinking/feeling that I “should” be doing something productive to fill that time. I’m resisting that urge and (re)learning to just be…As always, thanks for commenting!
Me too. Having just moved to a new area, I ‘should’ be getting more involved with the local community and finding a useful contribution to make that utilizes my skills and experience. However, I keep having to tell myself that the only `should` until the virus has gone is to keep myself well and not put myself at risk – otherwise I will never be able to be of any use.
Great observation, Jenny! I agree – the #1 “should” for all of us right now should be keeping ourselves and our loved ones safe and healthy. Stay well!
I can so relate. I am thinking that I was fortunate, in a way, to have retired a month after the lockdown started. First, I decided to continue to work part time. Second, I can not do certain things and not feel guilty at all. The senior center is closed. The library was closed or had curbside pickup only for part of this year. On the other hand, those “shoulds” strike just when you least expect it. After reading this, I am letting go of all my guilt! (hopefully)
Glad you found this helpful, Alana. It takes some practice, but letting go of guilt is one of the key steps in mastering the “shoulds.” Thanks for sharing your experience.
Most of my shoulds are self-imposed. Like you said, it takes self-awareness and practice to withstand the shoulds and also to lead a purposeful life. I have set goals based on what I value and enjoy. I want to be purposeful in how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I practiced this during my formal working years when days’ off were limited and I wanted to make the most of them. At the top of my list – look after myself and my home. In regards to myself, there’s no end to the pursuit of wellness – physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional. With regards to my home, there’s always a list of things left undone. And with every day being a “day off” there’s no excuse for some of this other than “there’s always tomorrow” when being trumps doing. Down-time and a break from the routine is a pleasure I build my schedule around. Bob Lowry’s retirement blog offered this – do something that wants doing and something that needs doing every day. Like you, “I’ve learned to give myself permission to do what I want, regardless of what others think.”
You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought (and practice), Mona. We can all learn from your example. Thanks for sharing!
My husband retired 5+ years ago and there are many “shoulds” that I think are for him…but he is doing what he wants and that’s good.
I am running my own business after 32 years in Corporate American and am still having difficulty with the “9-5” mentality – I really should give it up!
We all face some “shoulds”, as you point out about your husband and yourself. Thanks for commenting, Antoinette.
After 6 years in retirement I still hear the “should” voices. I’ve realized that I even perceive them when they might not be there. I hear of folks doing amazing things – joining a non-profit board, being more prolific/insightful in blog posting, doing crafts, volunteering, learning something new, being productive with their time – and think, I should be doing that, I’m wasting my time, I’m not doing what I should. I need to (often) return to my own vision, based on my own values and strengths, and say to myself – this is your life, the one that is right for you. It’s still a work in progress – stopping the should.
Yes, I believe the “shoulds” are always going to be with us – and comparing ourselves to others and what they’re doing is one of the toughest “shoulds” to shake for me too. The key, I think, is in learning how to recognize and manage them, not to expect that they disappear. Sounds like you have figured out how to address them, Pat, by returning to your own vision for your own life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Since the pandemic, social interactions with certain acquaintances have gone away, and I’m actually relieved. One of the shoulds I’m battling is whether to reach out and say hi. It’s almost like we’re ghosting each other, but I’m really okay with that. But oh, those shoulds.
You point out, Lynne, how the changes in our lives and routines caused by the pandemic brings along with it the potential for another set of “shoulds.” Thanks for commenting.
Very relevant post – thank you for sharing. I find that I am my worst critic when it comes to should/could opportunities. I have a list of ideas for activities that would meet personal goals I’ve set for myself, and an even longer list of why each one won’t work. I need to find a way to overcome my “shouldn’t” list!
Glad you found it relevant, Kathy. Maybe your “shouldn’t” list is your own way of dealing with the “shoulds?” Hadn’t heard of that approach before…
I’m sure my situation is not unique but my “shoulds” are generated by my discomfort from feeling not quite ready to retire. I must heed the “shoulds” because they really are “needs” I think. I feel like I need to contribute financially even though I don’t really have to. Not sure if it’s possible to view this as a “should” that I should try to talk myself out of.
I think lots of us have some “shoulds” when we’re still working and thinking about retiring, Patricia. It was helpful for me to write them down and put them aside with the promise to revisit them 3-6 months after I retired to see how I felt about them then. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Thanks Leslie. But I am already retired. I just meant I don’t feel like I should be. I guess that’s a different issue.
Oh so true. When I retired last year at age 58, I thought “I should use my Registered Nurse skills and volunteer”. I realized by the end of the first year, I don’t want to do this. I am a 110% RN. I am not built to do a little. I left full time work because it was exhausting. Why would I go back and do it for free? RN practice isn’t just time caring for patients. It’s reading journals to stay current. It’s continued education to maintain a license. It’s time with the time to build comradery. It’s a big commitment to practice at my Best and I cannot do less.
I find myself at peace with this decision. I will not be renewing my license in 2021. The ship has sailed.
Sounds like you have come to terms with that “should,” Elle. Thanks for joining our conversation.